Today’s theme: Men and Women in conversations
1 nugget to remember
“The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship.”
— Deborah Tannen, American author
2 quotes to reflect on
“Women and men would both do well to learn strategies more typically used by members of the other group — not to switch over entirely, but to have more strategies at their disposal.”
— Deborah Tannen
"A perfectly tuned conversation is a vision of sanity, a reassurance that you’re the right sort of person, and that all is right with the world."
— Deborah Tannen
3 Interesting reads
We often hear phrases like “men will be men”, “what do women want?”, “men just don’t understand”
But what are these differences and why are they so fundamental?
1. Intimacy and independence
Women focus more on intimacy. Men focus more on independence
Intimacy -> connection. Independence -> status
Intimacy: Women
Intimacy means maximising connection, minimising differences and negotiating the complex network of relationships
In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness. Seeking support, avoiding isolation
Independence: Men
Independence means seeing the world as a social hierarchy where one is either up or down
Conversations are negotiations for status. Seeking independence, avoiding external control
For example:
Take Jim and Janet
Jim’s childhood friend calls to invite for dinner this weekend just like the old times. Jim says YES, but Janet is upset
Jim: I can’t tell my friend I need your permission
Janet: Permission? But I love asking you, makes me feel closer to you
2. Understanding vs problem-solving
Women want mutual understanding. Men want to solve problems head-on
"If women are often frustrated because men do not respond to their troubles by offering matching troubles, men are often frustrated because women do"
Example 1: Men looking to solve a problem, women offering understanding
HE: I’m really tired. I didn’t sleep well last night
SHE: I didn’t sleep well either. I never do.
HE: Why are you trying to belittle me?
SHE: I’m not! I’m just trying to show that I understand!
Example 2: Women looking to seek understanding, men offering to solve problem
SHE: I feel under confident since my breast cancer treatment
HE: Opt for plastic surgery? You'll feel better
SHE: I'm sorry if you have a problem. I won't do it
HE: I don't! I'm just trying to help
For women, mutual understanding is symmetrical, that contributes to a sense of community
But giving advice is asymmetrical, it establishes power dynamics where adviser is more knowledgeable, more in control
3. Gossip
For women, sharing something personal is a great way to build connection
Men usually have “important” things to discuss like the stock market, football match, politics, etc.
Talk is information: Men
Men generally believe talk is designed to convey information
They deplore chit-chat and believe that talk should have significant content, be interesting and meaningful
Talk is connection: Women
For most women, getting together and telling about their feelings and what is happening in their lives is at the heart of friendship
Source:
You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen is a wonderful book to understand gender differences in conversations and how they impact us in day-to-day life
Thanks for reading,
Curious Carrot🥕
Another thing--Freud said that people are emotional beings--they are not rational; they make emotional decisions. Men are traditionally paid much more than women so they often have the responsibility to keep the family financially afloat.
for women, the personal is political