Curious Carrot🥕: Men and Women - different words, different worlds

Today’s theme: Men and Women in conversations

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1 nugget to remember

“The biggest mistake is believing there is one right way to listen, to talk, to have a conversation - or a relationship.”

— Deborah Tannen, American author

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2 quotes to reflect on

“Women and men would both do well to learn strategies more typically used by members of the other group — not to switch over entirely, but to have more strategies at their disposal.”

— Deborah Tannen

"A perfectly tuned conversation is a vision of sanity, a reassurance that you’re the right sort of person, and that all is right with the world."

— Deborah Tannen

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3 Interesting reads

We often hear phrases like “men will be men”, “what do women want?”, “men just don’t understand”

But what are these differences and why are they so fundamental?

1. Intimacy and independence

Women focus more on intimacy. Men focus more on independence

Intimacy -> connection. Independence -> status

Intimacy: Women

• Intimacy means maximising connection, minimising differences and negotiating the complex network of relationships

• In this world, conversations are negotiations for closeness. Seeking support, avoiding isolation

Independence: Men

• Independence means seeing the world as a social hierarchy where one is either up or down

• Conversations are negotiations for status. Seeking independence, avoiding external control

For example:

Take Jim and Janet

Jim’s childhood friend calls to invite for dinner this weekend just like the old times. Jim says YES, but Janet is upset

Jim: I can’t tell my friend I need your permission

Janet: Permission? But I love asking you, makes me feel closer to you

2. Understanding vs problem-solving

Women want mutual understanding. Men want to solve problems head-on

"If women are often frustrated because men do not respond to their troubles by offering matching troubles, men are often frustrated because women do"

Example 1: Men looking to solve a problem, women offering understanding

HE: I’m really tired. I didn’t sleep well last night

SHE: I didn’t sleep well either. I never do.

HE: Why are you trying to belittle me?

SHE: I’m not! I’m just trying to show that I understand!

Example 2: Women looking to seek understanding, men offering to solve problem

SHE: I feel under confident since my breast cancer treatment

HE: Opt for plastic surgery? You'll feel better

SHE: I'm sorry if you have a problem. I won't do it

HE: I don't! I'm just trying to help

For women, mutual understanding is symmetrical, that contributes to a sense of community

But giving advice is asymmetrical, it establishes power dynamics where adviser is more knowledgeable, more in control

3. Gossip

For women, sharing something personal is a great way to build connection

Men usually have “important” things to discuss like the stock market, football match, politics, etc.

Talk is information: Men

Men generally believe talk is designed to convey information

They deplore chit-chat and believe that talk should have significant content, be interesting and meaningful

Talk is connection: Women

For most women, getting together and telling about their feelings and what is happening in their lives is at the heart of friendship

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Source:

You Just Don't Understand: Women and Men in Conversation by Deborah Tannen is a wonderful book to understand gender differences in conversations and how they impact us in day-to-day life

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Thanks for reading,

Curious Carrot🥕